after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
