I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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