I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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