I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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