I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My bed is full of blood and feathers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
