Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
