Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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