Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
