we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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