I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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