It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
