I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
