Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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