its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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