I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
