I just threw up on my dentist
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
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