he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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