Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
