So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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