i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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