that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
