I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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