He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk is a universal language darling
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
