There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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