I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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