if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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