dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
