not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
