You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
