And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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