I accidentally burped into my bong.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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