Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
