perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
