someone threw a dead crab at me
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
