Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
how drunk are you?
Several
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
