This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
