I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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