He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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