You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
