This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
