she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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