If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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