my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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