the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
