he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
