i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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