Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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