You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I look better un-naked...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
