I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
