five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
